The Philosopher's Stone, Parodied in a Day
by Skyhiatrist
Summary: I know it's probably been done to death, but not by me, and it's my turn. This is a very short version of the Philosopher's Stone. Onward! XCompleteX


**The Philosopher's Stone, Parodied in a Day**

A/N: My eyes! My eyes! Warning... adult themes and swearing and all that. Just so you know, I do actually love the books. Actions in "- -" because won't support my asterisks. I think I have RSI... - Sky.

**Chapter 1 - The Boy Who Lived**

PETUNIA: Fiddle dee dum, fiddle dee dee, did you ever see a more normal couple than we?

VERNON: No my dear, I certainly did not. But then, I can't see much at all over this big fat neck and bushy moustache.

DUDLEY: -tantrums all over the shop, because he's spoilt-

VERNON: -goes to work in his fuel-guzzling road monster- Why look at that cat and all these people in cloaks. In my home town and around my house. This has absolutely nothing to do with my wife's freak sister. Tum tee tum. Oh look, charity.

DOUGHNUT: -doesn't stand a chance-

OWLS IN DAYLIGHT: Wow Vernon, aren't you thick?

VERNON: Hmm, the cat is still here. Odd, but nothing I can't gloss over.

CAT: Denial much?

VERNON: Heard from your sister lately, my horsey wife?

PETUNIA: You die! I kill you!

VERNON: Sorry dear.

PETUNIA: To bed. No sex.

VERNON: -falls into a stupid sleep-

DUMBLEDORE: -sticks out-

STREET LIGHTS: -get stolen-

DUMBLEDORE: Here pussy pussy.

MCGONAGALL: Oh, you.

DUMBLEDORE: Ill placed sweet advertisement?

MCGONAGALL: Don't be a pleb. What's going on here then?

DUMBLEDORE: Lots of people are dead. Shitloads of 'em. Sure you don't want a lemon drop?

MCGONAGALL: Enough already. Is You-Know-Who really dead?

DUMBLEDORE: Yes. And call him VOLDEMORT. Or at least let me do it so the readers know his bloody name.

MCGONAGALL: So where's Champion the Wonder Kid?

DUMBLEDORE: Hagrid's bringing him. And why not?

MCGONAGALL: Because he's a careless bastard.

FLYING MOTORBIKE: RRRRROOOOOOOOAAAARRR!

DUMBLEDORE: See, on a motorbike, speeding a hundred feet off of the ground. Safe as houses.

MCGONAGALL: -rolls eyes-

DUMBLEDORE: -rolls them back-

HAGRID: Have a baby. -gives baby-

MCGONAGALL: Check out that bitchin' scar. Fix it Dumbledore.

DUMBLEDORE: No, or I wouldn't be able to tell you about my London Underground scar that establishes my eccentricity.

HAGRID: I'm off to give Sirius Black his bike back, even though in the third book I will reveal that he told me he wouldn't be needing it anymore and then buggered off.

DUMBLEDORE: You do that.

MCGONAGALL: Muggles? Surely not! They suck!

DUMBLEDORE: Look, I'm the wise one, hush up now. Nothing else we can do, lets go and get pissed.

**Chapter 2 - The Vanishing Glass**

VIOLIN: -plays sadly through the entire chapter-

HARRY: My God I'm thin and hard done by.

PETUNIA: Quit your foul whinging and cook my petulant son's bacon, you scab!

HARRY: Of course. No beatings for Harry today.

BACON: -sizzles-

DUDLEY: I'm bad at sums but good at screaming. Give me more presents.

VERNON: -couldn't be prouder-

PETUNIA: Figgy's done a Madonna, only with cats. Now what?

HARRY: Take me! Take me! I'm thin and my glasses are taped! Have pity!

VERNON: Nevers! I will never take you!

VERNON: I can't believe I'm taking you.

HARRY: Ner ner.

SNAKE: My God I'm an unprecidented plot point for book two.

HARRY: Are you? I best set you free upon my cousin and his rat friend, hadn't I?

SNAKE: I suppose you had better, and as I go I shall hiss a cliche.

HARRY: You do that.

RATBOY: Dude, you was lyk, talking to that snake!

HARRY: Bollocks.

VERNON: -incoherant ranting... wheezing... lapse into alcoholism-

HARRY: -starves-

VIOLIN: -takes five-

**Chapter 3 - The Letters From No One**

DUDLEY: -ponces about-

VERNON: -still proud-

HARRY: Wow, Dudley looks like a very orange house.

PETUNIA: -glares-

VERNON: You! Slave! Go get the mail!

HARRY: Sigh.

VIOLIN: -warms up-

HARRY: Wow, a letter for me! My Aunt and Uncle have always taken away anything that brought me pleasure, but I shall open this letter in front of them incase they've had a change of heart.

DUDLEY: Harry has something. I don't have something!

VERNON: My God Dudley you're... right?

PETUNIA & VERNON: -exchange confused glances-

VERNON: Yoink!

HARRY: Hey!

VERNON: This letter must be a OHMYGODTHEWIZARDSARECOMING!

HARRY: Come again?

VERNON: Get out or face my wrath!

PETUNIA: What should we do. Write and explain in polite terms that we don't want-

VERNON: No, we'll ignore it. That'll work.

READER: Sure it will.

PETUNIA: But...

VERNON: I'm not having one in the house!

READER: A what? A WHAT?

READER WHO HAS READ THE BLURB: A wizard. Fool.

LETTERS: -are everywhere-

VERNON: Bring me the head of John the Baptist! I would like my goat cheese on a pike! Are you going to Scarborough Fair!

DUDLEY: Daddy's gone mad, hasn't he?

PETUNIA: No shit.

VERNON: We are going on a seaside tour of Britain! Everyone in the fuel-guzzling monster!

HARRY: But my leeeeeeeeeeeetters!

VERNON: Shut it.

HUT ON THE ROCK: -looks miserable-

PETUNIA: Well, that looks miserable.

HUT ON THE ROCK: -congratulates itself on a job well done-

DUDLEY: SNOOOOORECANNONSNOOOOORE!

HARRY: Happy Birthday to me, Happy Birthday to me, Happy Birthday Boy No One Loves or Cares About...

VIOLIN: -goes like the clappers-

**Chapter 4 - The Keeper of the Keys**

HAGRID: KNOCK KNOCK!

VERNON: Who's there?

HAGRID: Nicholas.

VERNON: Nicholas who?

HAGRID: Nicholas girls shouldn't climb trees.

DOOR: BOOM BOOM! -falls down-

HARRY: Bejesus!

HAGRID: Hello, I'm a large furry stranger and you Harry, are a very special boy.

HARRY: Wow, I totally believe you. I'd follow you to hell.

HAGRID: That's the spirit.

VERNON: Get out, for I have a gun!

GUN: -trembles-

PINK UMBRELLA: -lords it over gun-

DUDLEY: Yum, cake that ain't mine!

HARRY: You scoundrel.

HAGRID: Excuse me while I fill in some very important back story.

HAGRID: ...and that's the story of how you became a wizard.

HARRY: Spellbinding.

ALL: -groan-

HARRY: Now what?

HAGRID: Hogwarts if you fancy it.

VERNON: Nuh uh. Harry's not allowed to be a wizard. The violin would be unemployed.

VIOLIN: -pouts

HAGRID: Tough. Don't make me hex your son. I'm shite at it.

DUDLEY: Oink.

HARRY: Hurrah, I'm a wizard!

HAGRID: And a marked man doomed for a life of loss, misery and pain. Yer parents were just the first.

HARRY: What!

HAGRID: Go ter sleep. Lots to do tomorrow!

**Chapter 5 - Diagon Alley**

HARRY: I hate having these stupid dreams. They mess with my boyhood fantasies.

HAGRID: Yeah, but what kind of book would that be?

HARRY: You're real!

HAGRID: You're fast.

OWL: Pay me. Pay me. Pay me. Pay me.

HARRY: Hagrid, what does this owl want?

OWL: Sheesh.

HAGRID: Hazzard a guess, I'd say he wants payin'.

HARRY: Why didn't you say so? Stupido owl.

OWL: -pecks Harry to bleeding and flies off satisified-

HARRY. Shit. I'm poor Hagrid.

HAGRID: No you're not.

HARRY: Yes I am.

HAGRID: NO, you're not.

HARRY: Yes I-

HAGRID: -brandishes umbrella-

HARRY: I see.

HAGRID: Yep, yer parents were loaded. In six years time I'm still not gonna be sure how.

HARRY: So where's the dough?

HAGRID: Where all of Britain's money is o' course. London.

HARRY: Potter... AWAY!

BOAT: -leaves stranding the Dursleys-

HARRY: Where first?

HAGRID: Where else? The pub!

HARRY: You know, for a kid's book there's been a lot of drinking, and it's only chapter five.

HAGRID: You noticed that too huh?

PUB: OHMYGODITSHARRYPOTTER! -sucks up-

QUIRRELL: H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-Harry P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-Potter, s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-so g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-glad t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-to m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-meet y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-you.

HAGRID: Good job it ain't Shakespeare, we'd be here all night.

TURBAN: Mwahahahahahahahahaha!

HARRY: Did you hear something?

TURBAN: No.

HARRY: Oh, ok.

HAGRID: To the bank methinks.

GOBLIN: Get your dog biscuits off of my ledger, you giant git.

HAGRID: Whoopsie.

GRIPHOOK: To the two vaults, one of which will spark Harry's unwavering nosiness for the rest of the series!

HARRY: Oh, goody!

HAGRID: WHEEEEEE! I mean... -barf-

HARRY: WHEEEEEE! So what's in the vault huh? What? Huh? What? What? Huh? Huh?

HAGRID: Shut up or you're going off the cart.

HARRY: Schtum.

HAGRID: Go get your robes. Explore on your own. I'm going to the pub. You're eleven in a strange place. Yeh'll be fine.

HARRY: But Hagrid...

HAGRID: -gone-

DRACO: I'm jaunty and pointy and blonde, and one day I'll be super sexy!

DRACO'S REFLECTION: You the man.

DRACO: You're going to the same school as me I suppose.

HARRY: You're frightfully middle class.

DRACO: Play Quidditch?

HARRY: Not yet, but if I wasn't going to you wouldn't have mentioned it.

DRACO: I bully my rich parents into buying things and then repeat this information to strangers in the hope that it will make them like me. Is it working?

HARRY: Not really. I'm jam-packed with moral fibre.

MADAME MALKIN: Even though you came in before Draco you're done before him. Off you pop.

HARRY: -pops off-

HAGRID: So some guy was making you feel like a giant ignoramus huh?

HARRY: Yes.

HAGRID: Lots of people don't know about wizards when they join Hogwarts. But the only Muggle-Born we'll hear anything about knows more about the wizarding world than you do about having untidy hair and being angsty.

HARRY: Typical. -sulks-

HAGRID: Have an owl.

HARRY: Ooooooh, ta.

HAGRID: Don't mention it. To anyone. Ever. In any of the books.

HARRY: Can do.

HAGRID: You need a wand.

HARRY: How cliche.

MR. OLLIVANDER: I take great pleasure in being creepy and subhuman.

HARRY: I can tell. Stop touching me there.

MR. OLLIVANDER: No. Right, try this.

WAND: -ffft-

MR. OLLIVANDER: No? Ok, this one.

WAND: -shplurt-

MR. OLLIVANDER: Hmmm... ok, try this one.

WAND: -meep-

MR: OLLIVANDER: Wow, you'd think after all these years I'd have gotten the hang of this. Ooooh, I wonder if the wand that killed your parent's brother would sit pretty in your hand.

WAND: BEHOLD MY GLORY! -harp music-

MR. OLLIVANDER: How very odd.

HARRY: Odd? And you're about? Well, I never.

MR. OLLIVANDER: Git. I hope this one kills you like it's brother killed your mother.

ALL: -gasp-

HARRY: Laters, Mr. O.

**Chapter 6 - The Journey From Platform Nineteen and Three-Quarters**

HARRY: Uncle Vernon, take me to London.

VERNON: Why would I do that? I hate you.

HARRY: The book! Think of the book!

VERNON: Oh, ok. Let me make up a valid excuse at least.

HARRY: Go nuts.

VERNON: Look at how we abandon you at a non-existent platform!

HARRY: NSPCC!

VERNON: Tough cookies boy. Child protection is a myth in this realm.

DURSLEYS: -maniacal laughter-

MOLLY WEASLEY: I'm going to mention that this place is packed with Muggles so that Harry here knows we are of the magic persuasion. Never mind that this is a Muggle train station and Muggles is what it is meant to be packed with. If it was packed with canaries and cow pats, I'd have something to moan about...

HARRY: Help me, I'm as new to this as the reader is!

MOLLY: No problemo. Just walk through the very solid, very painful looking wall there.

HARRY: Are you crazy, you mad cow!

MOLLY: Yes, but that is neither here nor there.

PLATFORM BARRIER: is a magical portal on the sly

TWIN 1: Harry.

TWIN 2: Let.

TWIN 1: Us.

TWIN 2: Help.

TWIN 1: You.

TWIN 2: With.

TWIN 1: Your.

TWIN 2: Trunk.

HARRY: Ta very much like.

TWIN 1: Oh.

TWIN 2: My.

TWIN 1: God.

TWIN 2: You're.

TWIN 1: Harry.

TWIN 2: Potter.

TWIN 1: Aren't

TWIN 2: You?

HARRY. Fucken scar. I mean yes, yes I am.

TWIN 1: Bye.

TWIN 2: Then.

TRAIN: is devoid of mad ginger twins posing as one entity

TWIN 1: Guess.

TWIN 2: Who.

TWIN 1: That.

TWIN 2: Boy.

TWIN 1: Was!

MOLLY: Who? WHO? Tell me or so help me God I'm gonna flail you good.

TWIN 2: Harry.

TWIN 1: Potter!

MOLLY: NO WAY!

TWINS 1 & 2: YES WAY!

GINNY: Mum, let me look at him. Then love him, become a whore to cover up my heartache and then finally bag him!

MOLLY: Ummm... not yet.

TRAIN: -chuffs off-

RON: Lemme sit with you dude.

HARRY: S'like fine.

RON: Harry Potter huh?

HARRY: Totally.

RON: I want to be your friend, yet resent being in your shadow.

HARRY: That's cool.

RON: I'm all wizard baby.

CHOCOLATE FROG CARD: -Dumbledores it-

HARRY: Now that's the kind of guy I could make into a surrogate father figure.

RON: I don't know mate, you're like the Kiss of Death for Dad types.

HARRY: Am not!

JAMES, SIRIUS & DUMBLEDORE: -gulp-

VOILIN: -eerie music-

HERMIONE: -high pitched white noise-

RON: -dribbles-

TREVOR: -AWOL-

HERMIONE: I'm pretty, yet plain, but ever so smart. Don't you just want to love me?

NEVILLE: Oh God yes.

HERMIONE: Not you.

NEVILLE: First my toad rejects me and now you! -runs off-

HERMIONE: You boys take your clothes off.

RON: -looks hopful-

HERMIONE: ...and put your school robes on.

DRACO: -swaggers- Yo. Where's Potter? The guy who killed my Dad's boss? I'm here to make chums with him.

HARRY: You're ostentacious.

DRACO: You'll pay for that Potter! You too ginger boy! EVERYONE WILL PAY! -storms off-

RON: Well, someone had a visit from the Puberty Fairy.

TRAIN: -is relieved of kids. Chuffs off-

HAGRID: You little bastards c'mere. We're gonna see how many of you runts we can drown before you waste a perfectly good education. In the rickety dangerous boats to cross the monster ridden lake. Don't know any magic to protect yourselves? Shame.

TREVOR: I am like, the smartest toad in the world. I hopped off of that train and into one of these boats in time to be reunited with my moron of an owner! Plus, it seems I can talk.

ALL: Yay!

**Chapter 7 - The Sorting Hat**

MCGONAGALL: I am scary, Scottish, and I don't take no shit from no one. You have been warned.

GREAT HALL: -is the epitome of an enchanted room-

FIRST YEARS: Ooooh! Aaaah!

NEARLY HEADLESS NICK: I'm going to fop 'til I drop!

FAT FRIAR: -is probably drunk but well meaning-

NEARLY HEADLESS NICK: Oh, first years. I must pomp at them. POMP!

HARRY: Ghosts, huh? Enchanted ceiling, huh? Magical boats, huh? Some sort of test, huh? Feels like my kneecaps have been removed, huh?

SORTING HAT: -sits patiently on the stool thinking it'd rather be at home with a mug of hot chocolate and a copy of _Reader's Digest_-

FIRST YEARS: -shit themselves-

SORTING HAT: -weary- Welcome to Hogwarts school, here is my little song. Put me on your head and I'll tell you where you belong. But I'm old and tired, and honest I shall be. My hip is broken, I've gone grey, I find it hard to pee. Teenagers scare me, life is shit, I wished you'd go away, but you'll stay and argue, no matter what I say.

STUDENTS: -nervous applause-

SORTING HAT: Gryffindor!

HERMIONE: Yay!

SORTING HAT: -laughs in Ron's direction-

HARRY: Don't put me in Slytherin. I'm a good boy I am. Wouldn't hurt a fly.

SORTING HAT: Let me mess with your head. It's a running theme in the books, your struggle between good and evil.

HARRY: Well that sucks.

SORTING HAT: Look, even the most dense reader has known you're gonna be in Gryffindor since it turned out old Dumbledore was, so just shut up and look shit scared, ok? GRYFFINDOR!

HARRY: Whoop!

RON: -gulpage-

SORTING HAT: Gryffindor! sigh My god I need a holiday.

BLAISE ZABINI: Why do I have a girl's name?

NEVILLE: Nana bought me up cause... myparentsarecrazy.

ALL: Huh?

NEVILLE: Oh nothing, nothing. You'll stop wondering by the fourth book anyway, only for all to be revealed in the fifth!

ALL: Ahhhhh...

SNAPE: RAWR! GRRR! ATTENTION TOWARDS ME PLEASE! This is the first is a very loooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooong line of sinister appearances. I am the "bad guy". Or am I?

TURBAN PRETENDING TO BE SNAPE: I affect your scar Harry Potter! Zing!

HARRY: Ouchies. (This is the first in a loooooooooooooooooooong line of pain revolving around Harry's scar.)

PERCY: What's up bro?

HARRY: Oh... nothing... (this is the first in a very loooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooong line regarding things I lied about that I really should have mentioned sooner to avoid a lot of catastrophe). Who's the greasy haired mo fo?

PERCY: Why, that's Professor Snape! He teaches Potions but he wants the Defence Against the Dark Arts job. I'm telling you that so the reader will think he's a baaaaad man.

HARRY: Nicely done.

PERCY: Ta.

DUMBLEDORE: -clears throat-

LOOGIE: -feels rejected-

DUMBLEDORE: Right then! Know this. The forest is forbidden.

FLITWICK: Is that why it's called the Forbidden Forest?

DUMBLEDORE: Oooh, I never noticed that before. That's well clever. Anyhoo, Filch is still a scabby bastard so you know, don't cross him. Oh, and don't go in the locked corridor or YOU WILL DIE!

STUDENTS: Why?

DUMBLEDORE: ...

HARRY'S CURIOSITY: Let me out! Let me out!

DUMBLEDORE: Go to bed. I'm sick of looking at you.

STUDENTS: -shuffle off-

PEEVES: Check me out, making an appearance. -is then gone-

RON: Well, that was brief.

HARRY: Barely scraped half a page...

FAT LADY: I'd prefer 'thinly challenged female', bitches.

COMMON ROOM: -glows in a cosy wintery fashion, even in the summer-

HARRY'S DREAM: For we are many!

**Chapter 8 - The Potions Master**

STUDENTS: Check Harry out! He's so -sigh- famous...

HARRY: Wow, it's been a day and I'm already sick of it. The rest of my wizarding life is gonna suck. Maybe, if I don't do anything else of note my name will fade into history.

READER: FAT CHANCE!

HARRY: -gets lost and won't ask for directions because he is a bloke-

MRS. NORRIS: -exists-

PROFESSOR BINNS: -makes an appearance-

PROFESSOR FLITWICK: -ditto-

PROFESSOR MCGONAGALL: -returns in her overbearing fashion-

PROFESSOR QUIRRELL: -s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-sucks a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-at t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-teaching-

HEDWIG: Got a note from Hagrid here, me old son.

NOTE: Harry, come see me or I'll cry. I'm extremely sensitive, despite the fact that I could snap your leg like a twig. And you should be sensitive of my needs because I could snap your leg like a twig. Hugs and Kisses - Hagrid. xxx

DUNGEON: -drips unpleasantly-

READER: He must be bad! Check out his dingy digs! Respectable people live in second floor classrooms and are called McGonagall or Dumbledore.

SNAPE: -sneers-

DRACO: -sucks up-

SNAPE: Harry Potter, I don't like you. Subsequently I don't like your friends, your house or the elves that clean your underwear. I don't know you, but your dad was a complete arse to me and I see that as a perfect enough reason to hate you. Also, it seems Malfoy hates you as well so I'm going to adopt him. I love you Draco.

DRACO: I love you too, sir.

SNAPE: Now, to humiliate you.

HARRY: You pusbag.

SNAPE: A thousand points from Gryffindor! Now lick my shoes!

HARRY: You can't make me do that!

SNAPE: Oh yeah? Wait 'til you mean Umbridge. Now _that's_ illegal.

HARRY: Bastard.

SNAPE: More points from Gryffindor!

SLYTHERINS: Huzzah!

HAGRID'S HUT: -contains hams-

RON: Hello. Your dog is dribbling on the floor and humping my leg.

HAGRID: He likes yeh.

HARRY: -snarfs papercutting-

HAGRID: Harry? What are you snooping?

HARRY:...

HAGRID: What's that you say? Why is it not the whole paper and just a cutting? Why would I leave it on my kitchen table where and bespectacled angst-machine could find it? Why am I keeping it in the first place?

THE TRIO & HAGRID: ...

DAILY PROPHET CUTTING: Stuff attempted to be nicked from Gringotts. Gringotts foil plan through sheer dumb luck. Not a real story so we're inserting the words 'dark' and 'wizards'. The Daily Prophet: Giving the public what it wants since 768 B.C.

HARRY'S MIND: -making accusations connecting Snape and the break in, based on the fact that Snape doesn't seem to like Harry very much-

**Chapter 9 - The Midnight Duel**

HARRY: I hate Draco more than Dudley. Join me readers, join me in the hatred!

READERS: OR we could pair you two up in a homosexual fantasy.

HARRY: No... control...

NOTICE: -announces flying lessons-

HERMIONE: Woe is I!

RON: Mwahahahahahaha!

HERMIONE: Did you hear something?

RON: No.

HERMIONE: Oh, ok.

HARRY: Why with the Slytherins? WHY?

RON: To insight more reader hatred, of course.

HARRY: Did you not see what the readers are planning to do!

RON: No, sorry, I was taking a whizz.

NEVILLE: I've got a Remembrall! On the same day we're having flying lessons! And it's about the same size and shape as a Golden Snitch! What ARE the chances?

DRACO: Remembrall, aye...? -strokes chin-

STUDENTS: -stand outside shitting themselves yet again-

MADAM HOOCH: I'm just a glorified referee. I don't even get to be 'Professor'. Nooooo, it's 'Madame' Hooch... Makes me sound like a run a brothel... Anyway! Stand in font of your brooms and get ready to make arses of yourselves. Especially you Longbottom.

NEVILLE: -sigh-

NEVILLE'S WRIST: -explodes in a cloud of broom accident glory-

MADAM HOOCH: Whatever you do, do not **TOUCH THE BROOMSTICKS! IF I** come back and **FIND YOU FLYING**, there will be **NO** praise, only **TROUBLE!** Oh, the **FABULOUS** trouble you will be in! There are no **PRIZES TO BE WON! SO**, if I see you flying, you will be asked to **COME ON DOWN!**

EDUCATED READER: -reads bold type only-

DRACO: Look at me! Flying awesomely and stealing! Love me, for I am a bad boy!

HARRY: Not so fast! I am the valiant hero, love me, because your mother would love me too! -chase ensues-

REMEMBRALL: -is caught in much the way a Golden Snitch would be-

MCGONAGALL: Potter, come here!

HERMIONE: Where the bloody hell did you come from?

HARRY: Woe is I!

MCGONAGALL: Follow me, so help me god. Quirrell, may I borrow Wood?

QUIRRELL: Y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-

MCGONAGALL: Excellent.

HARRY: Is Wood a Cane you're going to use on me?

MCGONAGALL: Don't be stupid.

HARRY: Damn.

MCGONAGALL: Wood, I have found you a Seeker. Potter will try to claim he is _not_ exempt from usual punishments, but this is just the first in a loooooooooooooooooooong line of special treatments that Harry will recieve. He is the Boy Who Lived, you know.

HARRY: Really? Fuckin' A!

WOOD: -takes McGonagall's word for it and messes his pants-

RON: You testicle! I want to be on the Quidditch team!

HARRY: But I just have a natural flair for it. I'm even speshaller than I, and everyone else, thought!

TWIN 1: Well.

TWIN 2: Done.

TWIN 1: Harry!

TWIN 2: We're.

TWIN 1: On.

TWIN 2: The.

TWIN 1: Team.

TWIN 2: Too.

TWIN 1: We're.

TWIN 2 : The.

TWIN 1: Beater.

HARRY: Don't you mean 'beaters'?

TWINS 1 & 2: -look scandalised and walk off-

DRACO: You suck Potter. For what I managed to get away with Scot Free you should have been thrown out for, and now I find out that you're on the Quidditch team! I'm gonna kick your arse.

HARRY: Bring it on, biatch.

DRACO: Wizard's duel man. Tonight. Midnight. The Trophy Room. You're going down!

HARRY: No, you are the one who is going to be going down!

RON: Word.

HARRY: WTF! What's a wizard's duel?

RON: You gotta try and kill each other like.

HARRY: But Draco is so pretty!

RON: ...

HARRY: I mean, I'm gonna whip his butt!

HERMIONE: No, don't do it!

HARRY: Eh, where did you spring from?

HERMIONE: You'll get in trouble. You can't do this! You can't do that!

RON: What the hell do you care?

HERMIONE: Look, shut up dude, I'm trying to display my bossy tendencies.

RON: Whoops. Sorry sweet thang.

HERMIONE: -buggers off-

HARRY: We're still going, right?

RON: Oh, fo' sho' mo fo.

HARRY & RON: -sneak out and fall over Neville-

HARRY: What you doing here?

NEVILLE: I'm a dozy twat remember? Also, I'm trying to be intorduced into the book more but it isn't really working. Just you wait 'til the fifth year. That's the year of the Longbottom! ROAR!

RON: Yeah sure, whatever you say dude.

HERMIONE: I told you you couldn't go!

HARRY: -has heart attack- Stop doing that woman!

HERMIONE: Fuck, the Fat Lady's done a runner.

RON: Gutted.

HERMIONE: I'm like, coming with you too.

HARRY: My, how... convenient.

DRACO: -doesn't show up-

FILCH: -does-

HARRY: Cheese it!

HERMIONE: A goody-two-shoes I may be, but I can still pull off some neat breaking and entering!

OFF LIMITS CORRIDOR: Eh, what you doing here?

FLUFFY: Growl.

HARRY: SHIT!

RON: SHIT!

HERMIONE: SHIT!

NEVILLE: SHIT! (I'm still here, remember?)

HERMIONE: Ooooh, check it out. A trapdoor.

GOLDEN QUARTET: -run like hell-

**Chapter 10 - Halloween**

DRACO: Why aren't you guys dead! -runs off crying-

HARRY: What do you think that dog's guarding?

RON: Is it our business?

HARRY: If we don't pry no one will, and wackiness will ensue.

RON: NO! Not wackiness!

BROOMSTICK: -gets delivered-

HARRY & RON: -touch it-

DRACO: Oooooooooh, a brooooooomstick. I'm teeeeeeeeelling.

RON: Go crazy Malfoy.

HARRY & RON: -laugh like schoolgirls then run to their bedrooms to touch the broomstick some more-

HARRY: Oh shittles, actual practice. What if I suck?

READER: You won't.

HARRY: But... but...

READER: Look, I skipped ahead. Now shut up and ride the damn thing.

WOOD: Let me explain the rules.

RULES: -are explained-

WOOD: ...and then the referee says, "I said, 'Take her Golden Snitch!"

HARRY & WOOD: -fall about laughing-

WOOD: So, you're awesome. You will win us many a match, but because of you're ability to attract evil, you will also miss many a match. It will years before we win the Cup. We're nothing without you baby.

HERMIONE: Ron, you are thick. I say it all the time and I humiliate you in front of everyone. I really admire your ability to suck it up and not run off crying to the toilets like a girl.

RON: You have no friends.

HERMIONE: -runs of crying to the toilets like a girl-

HALLOWEEN FEAST: -enjoyed by all-

QUIRRELL: T-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-

DUMBLEDORE: -looks at watch-

QUIRRELL: ...t-t-t-t-t-troll... i-i-i-i-i-i-i-in t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-the d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-

RON: -falls asleep in his mashed potatoes-

QUIRRELL: ...d-d-d-dungeons! -passes out like a girl-

PERCY: HOLY HELL! Let's all go to the Common Rooms! A troll won't be able to get in there, it doesn't know the password!

RON: Won't it just smash down the door?"

PERCY: Sssh.

HARRY: Hermione!

RON: No... it's Ron... Roooooooooooooooooooooon.

HARRY: No, arseface. I meant she's in the bogs and doesn't know about the meanie troll.

RON: Come off it Harry. The troll is in the dungeons. Hermione is in the toilets. This castle is massive. Do you really think the troll will end up anywhere near her?

READER: ...

HARRY & RON: Oh, shit!

HERMIONE: -sniff, sniff- Oh I'm so sad HOLY FUCK A TROLL! And the door is locked! What the..?

HARRY & RON: -burst in in all their glory- Da na na na!

TROLL: -is bemused-

HARRY & RON: -go tag team on the trolls ass-

MCGONAGALL: What's going on here? Where did that troll come from? Why aren't you in your common rooms? What in God's name is that smell?

HERMIONE: -looks embarrassed-

HARRY: We er...

RON: Um...

HERMIONE: Are my heroes... -swoon-

HARRY, RON & HERMIONE: Let's be best friends forever!

READER: Aww...

HERMIONE: About time, the book is well over half way through.

**Chapter 11 - Quidditch**

HARRY: Can't eat... will vomit guts...

RON: Eat something.

HERMIONE: You have to Harry, I'm concerned because you're my best friend.

RON: Look, Hermione, I know we agreed to like you, but you're getting chummy pretty quickly don't you think? It's hardly November.

HARRY: I'm gonna die.

SNAPE: -limps in the way a man who has had his leg mauled by a three-headed dog would- Potter! A million points from Gryffindor! -limps off-

HARRY: Eh?

RON: He's up to no good.

HERMIONE: But heeeeeeeeeee's a teeeeeeeeacher! I wuv him!

HARRY: Yeah, well, so's Quirrell, and... oh wait, we haven't got that far yet. I'm gonna die.

WOOD: peptalkpeptalkpeptalkpeptalkpeptalkpeptalkpeptalkpeptalkpeptalkpeptalkpeptalk.

GRYFFINDOR QUIDDITCH TEAM: Hell yeah! We're number one! Let us knock our heads together!

HARRY: I'm gonna die.

QUIDDITCH MATCH: -flows smoothly until Harry's broom tries to kill him-

HARRY: I knew it.

HERMIONE: Snape appears to be jinxing Harry's broom. Hmmm... -sets fire to him-

RON: That's a touch drastic, don't you think?

HARRY: Not only did I not die, but I also won spectacularly. Now who saw that coming?

POPULATION OF EARTH: -raises hand-

HARRY: Hagrid, what's the dog guarding?

HAGRID: Nuh uh. not saying a word, you'll never get it outta me!

GOLDEN TRIO: ...

HAGRID: Nicholas Flamel.

GOLDEN TRIO???

HAGRID: Shit.

**Chapter 12 - The Mirror of Erised**

HERMIONE: I'm going home for Christmas. Look up that Flamel dude you morons.

RON: Like fun we will.

HERMIONE: Huh?

HARRY: Bye!

DRACO: -tries to get a word in edgewise-

HARRY & RON: NO! Not this book you don't!

READER: Awww...

CHRISTMAS MORNING: -arrives-

HARRY: Holy Hell Ron! I gots me presents for the first time ever!

VIOLIN: -almost misses it's cue-

RON: Wow, I'm not as smart as Hermione, but I am all wizard baby and THAT is an invisibility cloak.

HARRY: Mega swish! This'll be vital in every book I bet!

RON: A note! I bet Dumbledore gave it to you!

HARRY: It's not signed.

RON: -looks smug- Dumbledore man, I'm telling you.

HARRY: -goes on a nighttime trip in his brand new invibility cloak- Wow, I bet this is just the first in a loooooooooooooooooooong line of rule breaking for me, but it's always with good intentions, so I'll be fine.

MIRROR: The writing's backwards. BACKWARDS! I mean... -shows Harry's heart's desire-

HARRY: Wow, it's my dead parents.

DUMBLEDORE: ...

HARRY: Ron, come see this ultra cool mirror!

RON: Wicked! I'm no longer a failure! Harry, do you think this mirror shows the future?

HARRY: How can it? You'll always be a failure.

DUMBLEDORE...

HARRY: It's nicer on my own. I can go quietly mad.

DUMBLEDORE: Knock it off Harry. It's weird and scary.

HARRY: Yeah, girls like that.

DUMBLEDORE: And Ron will go mad too.

HARRY: Have you been spying on us, two eleven year old boys in their pyjamas?

DUMBLEDORE: Look Harry, everything you see in this mirror isn't real. Go to bed and don't try looking for it again. I'm moving it someplace else. With the aid of magic because my back is shot.

HARRY: Professor, what do you see when you look in the mirror?

DUMBLEDORE: Me, Harry?

HARRY: Yes, sir.

DUMBLEDORE: I see a really fit blonde bird with great big knockers, dancing for my pleasure.

WARM MOMENT: -exists-

**Chapter 13 - Nicholas Flamel**

HERMIONE: I'm gonna thump you guys. You didn't look him up!

RON: Hermione, we looked through every book in the library. I'm sure we'll stumble across him by accident eventually.

HARRY: I found him!

RON: That was fast.

HERMIONE: He's an alchemist. Riveting.

RON: He makes the Philosopher's Stone!

GOLDEN TRIO: -jumps to conclusions- That's what the dog is guarding!

PHILOSOPHER'S STONE: Pssf, lucky guess.

ANOTHER QUIDDITCH MATCH: -goes on, Slytherin versus Gryffindor with Snape refereeing? How can they possibly win?-

HARRY: Avec moi, a man-god among you people! -wins the match-

SNAPE: -stalks off into the forest-

HARRY: Hmm, that's fishy. I should follow him, just incase there's something I shouldn't hear going on.

SNAPE: Quirrell... I'm unaware that you have Lord Voldemort sticking out of the back of head, BUT I do think you're trying to steal the Stone for evil. Voldemort must know that I am trying to prevent this, but he doesn't suspect my alliegance in the fourth book when he returns. No wonder he was defeated by a baby.

QUIRRELL: Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A

SNAPE: WTF? Whatever.

**Chapter 14 - Norbert the Norwegian Ridgeback**

HERMIONE: Explain to me again why this is important? They didn't leave it in the movie.

READER: Boooooooooooo!

HERMIONE: Exams, revision, exams, revision.

HARRY: I take the end of term exams seldom if ever. What do I care?

HERMIONE: Arg.

HAGRID: If anyone asks, I so don't have a dragon, alright kids?

HARRY: Probably shouldn't have mentioned that.

RON: We're gonna be in trouble, I can feel it.

HARRY: But I'm Harry Potter! I don't get into trouble!

RON: Not even if it's vital to the plot?

HARRY: Bugger.

HAGRID: Alright! I confess! I DO have a dragon! Please, no more torture!

HARRY: All I said was "hello".

DRACO: I'm in the book! I'm in the book. -gasp- You have a dragon -toddles off to tell tales-

HAGRID: Shit.

HARRY: Don't worry, we'll deal with it!

RON & HERMIONE: We?

HARRY: Well, that went off without a hitch. Using the invisibility cloak, I managed to sneak Norbert up to the Astronomy tower, lure your brother away from Romania and send Norbert off in the dead of night unseen.

RON: Yeah, that invisibility cloak is the shizzle!

HERMIONE: So where the hell is it?

HARRY: Fuck.

FILCH: Busted.

**Chapter 15 - The Forbidden Forest**

MCGONAGALL: All of you, detention!

DRACO: Even me?

MCGONAGALL: Especially you. That way the readers can get the Harry/Draco interaction they crave.

DRACO: Oh, fiddlesticks.

FILCH: You're going into the Forbidden Forest.

DRACO: But it's dangerous. That's why we're not allowed! Does Dumbledore know about this?

FILCH: ...

HAGRID: Off we go. If anything tries to kill you, send up green sparks. If it does kill you, send up red ones.

DRACO: -trembles like a girl-

HAGRID: Ron and Hermione, come with me...

R/HR SHIPPERS: Yay!

HAGRID: ... and Draco and Harry, you go that way.

H/D SHIPPERS: Double yay!

HAGRID: Oh, and look for dead unicorns. That's like, what were doing here.

ALL: Oh.

CENTAURS: Hey there. We seem quite nice in this book. But it is just an illusion. Soon we will expose ourselves for the dirty elitest bastards we are, but we'll beat up Umbridge so it balances out.

ALL: Hurrah!

DRACO: I hate you Potter.

HARRY: I hate you Malfoy. Oooh, look, a dead unicorn.

HARRY & DRACO: Awww. -hold hands-

CLOAKED FIGURE: -schlurpy schlurpy-

HARRY: Ugh, gross dude.

DRACO: Nooo! I'm too upper class for this! I must flee! Come puppy! -legs it-

CLOAKED FIGURE: Rawr!

HARRY'S SCAR: Pain of pain. Owie ow.

FIRENZE: -goes medieval on the Cloaked Figures ass- Get on my back, young Potter! I will explain much back story to you.

OTHER CENTAURS: -taunts and jeers-

BANE: That is mule work, carrying a human on your back. You are doing the work of a mule. Why, you're nothing but a common mule. MULE!

FIRENZE: Oh hush silly.

HARRY: Wake up Ron! I said wake up!

RON: You bastard, I was dreaming about naked Her...mit crabs.

HARRY: Dude, we gotta get that stone. Or Snape'll steal it.

READER: You muppets.

**Chapter 16 - Through the Trapdoor**

HARRY: Fuck, I actually took the exams!

HERMIONE: Ner ner. I hope you failed. Both of you.

RON: I love you too. I really, really do.

HAGRID: God, alright! All you have to do is play Fluffy some music and he'll sleep! Happy?

HARRY: All I said was "How are you?"

HERMIONE: Let's go tell Dumbledore about the stone. He's all wise and junk.

HARRY: Good plan. Potter Pals... AWAY!

RON & HERMIONE: ...

HARRY: We can work on the name.

MCGONAGALL: Dumbledore's fucked off. Away with you. I'm busy tightening my lips.

HARRY: But the stone!

MCGONAGALL: -flabbergasted- The stone is fine. Away with you, I'm screwing my hair on.

RON: Lousy bitch.

MCGONAGALL: What!

RON: Nothing, nothing...

HARRY: We have to get it ourselves!

HERMIONE: You're as mad as cheese.

RON: Let's go.

NEVILLE: No!

HERMIONE: Er, yes.

NEVILLE: -falls down-

FLUFFY: SCHNOOOOOOOOORE!

TRAPDOOR: -is jumped through-

GOLDEN TRIO: Wheeee!

DEVIL'S SNARE: -snares-

HERMIONE: Relax, it'll let you go. Trust me, I'm ever so smart.

RON: -squirms- I can't help it, I'm an idiot!

HERMIONE: -sets fire to plant-

HARRY: I never noticed how much of an arsonist you are Hermione.

HERMIONE: -smiles madly-

HARRY: Right gang... onward.

BIRD KEYS: -flutter, clang noisily-

HERMIONE: The birds sound like keys... and this door is locked... and there's handily three broomsticks...

RON: Good name for a pub.

HERMIONE: Well, I don't get it.

READER: -groans-

HARRY: Quidditch! Quidditch is the answer!

HERMIONE: You say that about everything. No wonder you're going to fail your exams.

HARRY: Eeep. Come on, help me get this bloody key.

KEY: -gets owned-

GOLDEN TRIO: Tra la la la la! skips through door

RON: It's chess! Not Draughts, not Snakes & Ladders, not Mousetrap, Chess! Quite possibly the only skill I have!

HARRY: Yeah... funny that...

WHITE TEAM: -gets slaughtered-

BLACK TEAM: WOO!

HARRY: We won Ron! We won! Ron? Ron?

RON: -unconscious, yo-

HERMIONE: Meh, leave him here. Onward!

HARRY: Hey, that's my line bitch.

POEM: -makes very little sense-

HERMIONE: I can solve it!

HARRY: Shocker.

HERMIONE: There's only enough potion for one person.

HARRY: Again... shocker.

HERMIONE: Well... off you go then.

HARRY: Me? Why do I have to do it.

HARRY'S SCAR: -gets jabbed by Hermione's finger-

HERMIONE: Now piss off while I go and tend to my boyfriend. Oh... and good luck and all that. Laters.

MUSHY MOMENT: -exists-

HARRY: Cheers.

**Chapter 17 - The Man With Two Faces**

QUIRRELL: Check me out yo! I'm like, totally NOT Snape. SURPRISE!

HARRY: Well I never!

QUIRRELL: This is the first in a looooooooooooooooooooooooooooong line of stuff that won't come together until the very last chapter.

HARRY: Bother.

QUIRRELL: Now excuse me while I go through everything that has happened this year that makes me evil and Snape sexily awesome.

HARRY: Oh, please do.

QUIRRELL: You know, the Quidditch match, the troll, all that jazz.

HARRY: Oh yeah, all that.

QUIRRELL: Now, look at this freaky mirror. I see the stone, I'm throwing it at the back of my head, but how do I get it?

MIRROR OF ERISED: Sparkle sparkle.

HARRY: Wish I could find that stone.

HARRY'S REFLECTION: -pockets stone-

HARRY: Oh yeah! I'm gonna make me so much gold!

MIRROR OF ERISED: Damn you!

HARRY: Mwahahahahahahaha!

RASPY VOICE: Did you hear something?

HARRY: No.

RASPY VOICE: Oh ok then. Quirrell, use the boy, you muppet. Jeez, of all the people I could have inhabited the body of...

QUIRRELL: Hey, Potter dude. Look into the mirror and tell me what you see.

HARRY: A beautiful brunette with giant knockers.

RASPY VOICE: Liar!

HARRY: OK, she's a red head.

H/G SHIPPERS: Yay!

RASPY VOICE: Ok, lemme talk to the little brat face to face.

QUIRRELL: No master, you are not strong enough. Plus, you look really gross, all sticking out of the back of my head like that.

RASPY VOICE: Don't make me hex you, you insolent little worm.

QUIRRELL: Alright, keep your hair on. -stiffles giggles-

TURBAN: -is unraveled-

HARRY: Dude! Sick!

VOLDEMORT: Yo. I killed your parents. Join the dark side.

HARRY: On your bike.

VOLDEMORT: Oh. Kill him then.

HARRY: Say what? No, hang on, I didn't understand the question. Er... what's your dental plan like?

QUIRRELL: Too late. -pounces-

ALL SHIPPERS EVERYWHERE: Ick.

QUIRRELL: It burns! It burns!

HARRY: It does?

QUIRRELL: Ye-no...

HARRY: Ha! Too late!

QUIRRELL: -is burnt to a crisp and left for dead-

HARRY: -passes out at the inhumanity of it all-

DUMBLEDORE: Wake up Harry...

HARRY: ...

DUMBLEDORE: Harry, wake up you murderous bastard!

HARRY: Eh? What? Philosopher's Stone! McGonagall with no clothes on!

DUMBLEDORE: Oh aye?

HARRY: Where am I?

DUMBLEDORE: You are in the hospital wing. And this is the first in a loooooooooooooooooooooong series of visits here.

HARRY: What about Quirrell?

DUMBLEDORE: Oh he's not dead. Not until like the fifth book anyway.

HARRY: Woo three guilt free years left!

DUMBLEDORE: You reckon.

HARRY: What about the Stone?

DUMBLEDORE: Destroyed me old chum.

HARRY: Aw, rats.

DUMBLEDORE: Sucks for you dude.

HARRY: How comes Quirrell's dead?

DUMBLEDORE: CENSORED DUE TO MUSHINESS

HARRY: Of course...

DUMBLDORE: Look at all the sweets your friends like, sent you. Mind if I have one?

HARRY: Well actually...

DUMBLEDORE: Of course you don't. Eeew, it tastes like Supermarket brand chocolate and cat poop.

HARRY: Serves you right.

HERMIONE: You're better!

HARRY: The best there is, baby.

RON: I'm being gruff and manly.

HARRY: Me too... -cough-

HARRY & RON: -cry behind their hands-

DUMBLEDORE: Alright, shut up you little bastards. My non-existent bias is going to cause me to pile points onto Gryffindor so they win the house cup!

SLYTHERINS: -look sour-

DUMBLE: Now go home and don't come back until you absolutely have to!

STUDENTS: -go home-

HAGRID: I got you a present. It's a photo album.

HARRY: Is it filled with porn?

HAGRID: Er, no. It's pictures of your parents.

HARRY: Aw man... I mean, yay for Hagrid. You're the best half giant friend a guy could have.

HAGRID: Fourth book dude.

TRAIN: -chuffs impatiently-

HARRY: Later days Hogwarts! I'm off to terrorise my cousin and get done over by a house elf!

HOGWARTS: Yeah. Great Go.

_La Fin._


End file.
